The Lovely and Talented Coya Paz

My Child: I decided we're going to have a house concert.
Me: Are you going to sing?
My Child: Yeah, this song [Thrift Shop].
Me: What about the drums?
My Child: I'm going to sing AND play the drums!
Little Friend: What am I going to do?
My Child: [long appraising pause] You can be the audience.

Jan 31

Conversations With 4-Year Old Divas

My daughter brought home a picture she drew of me. I looked very, very angry.
Me: Is this a picture of me when I'm mad?
Her: No. Just frowning like normal.
Me: Oh, well, what a nice picture my love.
[30 minutes later, casual style]
Me: Booboo, do you think I frown a lot?
Her: [silence]
Me: Do I get mad at you too much?
Her: Sometimes.
Me: But I'm not mad all of the time, right?
Her: No, sometimes you cry.
Me: Well, that's human, my love. Do you ever cry?
Her: Yes, because [my partner] Nina's mom is dead. I love her parents so much.
Me: They love you too, my love.
Her: Even my grandma who's dead?

Oct 8

Conversations With 3-Year Olds Who Are Going To Send Me Their Therapy Bill When They're Older

My Child (bounding into the room): Can we go to Disney Junior, pleasemamapleasemamapleeeeeeeeease?
Me: Do you mean Disney World? (vaguely) Suuuure...
My Child: No. Repeat after me: Disney.
Me: Disney.
MC: Ju.
Me: Ju.
MC: Nior.
Me: Nior.
MC (very slowly): Dis-ney-Ju-nior. REPEAT!
Me: Disney Junior.
MC: Good job, mama. Can we go please please please please please?
Me: I don't think Disney Junior is a place.
MC (deep sigh): It IS, Ma-ma. I saw it on tv. "Disney Junior, a place for kids just like you."

Aug 21

Conversations With Future Marketing Executives

Me (to my daughter, right after she wakes from her nap): I am the luckiest mama in the world to be the mama of such a wonderful daughter.
Her: Because you wished and wished and I was a girl...
Me: That's true! Even before you were growing inside of me, I knew you were going to be a girl.
Her: And I am!
Me: But if you ever decide you're a boy, that's good too.
Her: Boys are STINKY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Well, I'm just saying...
Her: [long pause] I have fur on my arms.
Me: I have hair on my arms too...
Her: You... have hair... on your ARMPITS!!!!!!!!!!

Aug 9

Conversations with Feminist Moms and the 3yr Olds Who Love Them

I am sitting with my computer, minding my own business... Enter My Child.
My child: Mama, what's that?
Me: A computer!
Child: NO! *That.* [indicates my shirt]
Me: It's a blue shirt. Do you like it?
Child: [long pause] I think... you should find a more...style shirt, okay?

Jul 21

Conversations with Opinionated 3yr Olds

"I didn’t like it. I mean, I liked it, but I didn’t like it. I mean… I saw what I came here to see."

- Overheard in the bathroom after Magic Mike.

Jul 14

Me: Do you see the fire truck?
3-Yr Old: Whoever sees a fire truck gets CASH!!!!! So yes! I see a fire truck! That means I win cash. And money. Right?!
Me: uh… Sure . Ok. I’ll give you a dollar.
3 Yr Old: Yes!!!!!!

Jun 16

Conversations With Scam Artists

"Woman (watching her 3 boys run around the yard at a party): And this is why I didn’t take them to Grandma’s funeral. They would have been cooped up in the car even longer and just wild. Her Father: Oh. That reminds me. Aunt Rosie died. Woman: WHAT?! When? Her Father: Two days ago. Woman: Why didn’t anyone tell me? Like, at least send an email? Her Father: I don’t know…"

- Overheard at my niece’s birthday party…

Jun 16

Guy: I'm fat.
Friend of Guy: (rolls eyes, no answer)
Guy: I AM!
Friend of Guy: (just laughs)
Guy: I'm really fat. I look just like... a Bolivian!
Friend of Guy: No.
Guy: Really.
Friend of Guy: No.
Guy: I look like I am smuggling innertubes under my shirt to a third world park pool
for a hundred starving children who wanna go for a swim.
Friend of Guy: No.

Jun 4

Eavesdropping on Latinos Who Hate Other Kinds of Latinos